I wanted to write a message of love, but then all this feelings started boiling up inside of me and I remembered your face.
So here I am again, doing what I do best…writing and expressing those feelings stuck deep within me. I often wonder why I bother, but for a long time now I have stopped asking, how, why, and when. Happiness is elusive and most people are never sure when it is coming their way. See I need to be happy and for some reason you are not letting me be what I need to be. I strongly believe that he who risks nothing has nothing. So am taking a chance and telling you all this now. That way, it’s out there and I can keep on living – with or without you.
For the last couple of weeks, I have thought and over-thought. I have been a mess. I have relived our relationship over and over again. And I realize that as much as i loved most of those moments with you – I hated some so much more. God! You drove me up the wall.
But as I have relived my past, our past – I see now that I am in this dark and unhealthy place because I have not done perhaps what was the most important thing. I have and had never forgiven you for all the hurt you brought to me. I still carry a huge burden and to me, you were entirely responsible for my pain and worries.
So find my words of forgiveness and my eventual closure. I am from this day taking away that burden and responsibility from you.
I never told you I HATED you (sometimes), how often I regretted meeting you (even if it was a temporary feeling). You never saw how much it made me sick and crazy to hear you say ” I love you and care about you” but to never FEEL it – to hear you speak yet see no action that confirmed your words. You were too blind to see that I despised the fact that you mistook me for some naive girl. You never talked to me or explained anything to me, and too often you just acted like there was nothing wrong. I loathed you because, you always tried to convince me that everything was ok, or that everything would be ok….when it was clear to see that NOTHING was RIGHT. If your world was OK, then everybody else’s world should be fine – at least that’s how you made it seem. Selfish you always were.
Do you know how much you infuriated me when you often asked me, “what do you want me to say?”, “what do you want me to do?” . Or how much I cried most nights alone in my room because according to you I was just playing the victim? Do you know how tempting it was to just say FCUK YOU?! But alas….
I have been carrying this BURDEN all these months and today it feels great to finally get it off my chest. Finally, finally! I do not hate you anymore, I do not hold you responsible anymore -obviously you were just doing what was right for YOU. You were looking out for you. I finally know that sometimes in life it is OK to be selfish! And I am applying it to the fullest. I forgive YOU MJ!
At long last, I can take back my life and start living. I can stand before you without remorse, without wanting to seek revenge. I can look you in the eyes without having the urge to say and do things to you that would hurt you as much as you hurt me. I do not have the urge to do despicable things and say un-Iady like insults to you anymore. I can take my share of the blame and i can let this go. MJ, I forgive you.
I am being selfish now. I love me and for the life of me I can never ever get back together with you; so stop asking me. I won’t come back.
“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it will never end”. My love, this is the end of our story.